Coming back from the abyss

I started to do something really stupid today, and a friend pulled me gently back from the edge. She cold have said have you lost your marbles? Isn't it enough that you are going to lose your job? Instead she was smooth and mild. I used honey and not vinegar.

Recomposition

Composing, entering data, making copies, printing out contracts, spreadsheets, maintaining database, answering phones, making plane reservations, making hotel reservations, transportation reservations, dinner reservations, bike and car reservations.

Someone else could print out contracts, make copies, answer the phone, enter data

I could do a lot of what I do from home.

depression

Lord, I have had some serious depression in the last week. Sometimes I can't stop crying at work. What a demoralizing job. It's so sad; I am just withdrawing more and more. I am losing the few friends I did have. I don't know how long I will last there, and then what will I do? Sigh.

I have to find something more enriching and challenging and lucrative  than this.

I wonder if Cinderella ever got depressed. God knows she had reason: mean stepsisters and mother, ineffectual father, rags to wear, hard work to do, inadequate nutrition, emotional and physical abuse. I would not have lasted long as the real Cinderella. I wonder why I am depressed. I have a lot to be happy about. I am out of car and insurance debt. I have a job, a dog, a bike, and an apt.

It is just that I expected so much more of myself. I have an education, experience, interest. Why am I stuck where I am? Have I lost too many brain cells, too many looks? It throws up to be depressed. The worst is that then I despise myself for being so weak as to be depressed. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be upbeat like Bill Clinton and Barack Obama?

Rachel Weisz, etc.,

I have decided, now that I know her, that Emma should be Rachel Weisz. They both have dark, shoulder length hair, are pretty, and smart. The relationship with Rachel feels like a missed opportunity. I really like her, but the relationship has a couple of impediments. Sweet, sweet, sweet, but powerless to help me in any way. Rachel Weisz is better a better fit in that she is a good age for Al. Casting is coming along.

Good retort to a monosyllabic, blasphemous outburst: "Oh, how I wish words could slip off my tongue so easily!"

Housework

Nobody who knows me would say I am lazy. I am always busy. I never just sit and relax because I am writing, reading, walking, working, shopping, talking, paying, feeding, and the like. Nobody who knows me thinks I am very tidy, and they are right. Housework feels like a waste of time to me, and it wouldn't have to if I would practice what I preach. When I studied, I used to set a timer for 50 minutes so that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been doing that for other things. I should set the timer for housework, writing, reading, and lots of other tasks.

I just don't like housework. It makes me wrinkle my brow, puts bruises on my legs, dries out my hands, and makes me unhappy.

Another Start

A new approach to the job: don't be too friendly, available, visible. Keep a low profile, speak in a low voice, keep the chatter to a minimum, leave at the first opportunity. Dress soberly in neutral, no-nonsense colors.


I am a good starter. The hard part is keeping it going. I suppose the most interesting part is the beginning, and it is the instant gratification of the endeavor. All the rest is work. Ho hum. The problem is that one cannot start forever. After a while, it gets too late to start and one needs to consider forward progress or at least maintenance, which requires metaphorical elbow grease and literal patience.