Coming back from the abyss

I started to do something really stupid today, and a friend pulled me gently back from the edge. She cold have said have you lost your marbles? Isn't it enough that you are going to lose your job? Instead she was smooth and mild. I used honey and not vinegar.

Recomposition

Composing, entering data, making copies, printing out contracts, spreadsheets, maintaining database, answering phones, making plane reservations, making hotel reservations, transportation reservations, dinner reservations, bike and car reservations.

Someone else could print out contracts, make copies, answer the phone, enter data

I could do a lot of what I do from home.

depression

Lord, I have had some serious depression in the last week. Sometimes I can't stop crying at work. What a demoralizing job. It's so sad; I am just withdrawing more and more. I am losing the few friends I did have. I don't know how long I will last there, and then what will I do? Sigh.

I have to find something more enriching and challenging and lucrative  than this.

I wonder if Cinderella ever got depressed. God knows she had reason: mean stepsisters and mother, ineffectual father, rags to wear, hard work to do, inadequate nutrition, emotional and physical abuse. I would not have lasted long as the real Cinderella. I wonder why I am depressed. I have a lot to be happy about. I am out of car and insurance debt. I have a job, a dog, a bike, and an apt.

It is just that I expected so much more of myself. I have an education, experience, interest. Why am I stuck where I am? Have I lost too many brain cells, too many looks? It throws up to be depressed. The worst is that then I despise myself for being so weak as to be depressed. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be upbeat like Bill Clinton and Barack Obama?

Rachel Weisz, etc.,

I have decided, now that I know her, that Emma should be Rachel Weisz. They both have dark, shoulder length hair, are pretty, and smart. The relationship with Rachel feels like a missed opportunity. I really like her, but the relationship has a couple of impediments. Sweet, sweet, sweet, but powerless to help me in any way. Rachel Weisz is better a better fit in that she is a good age for Al. Casting is coming along.

Good retort to a monosyllabic, blasphemous outburst: "Oh, how I wish words could slip off my tongue so easily!"

Housework

Nobody who knows me would say I am lazy. I am always busy. I never just sit and relax because I am writing, reading, walking, working, shopping, talking, paying, feeding, and the like. Nobody who knows me thinks I am very tidy, and they are right. Housework feels like a waste of time to me, and it wouldn't have to if I would practice what I preach. When I studied, I used to set a timer for 50 minutes so that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been doing that for other things. I should set the timer for housework, writing, reading, and lots of other tasks.

I just don't like housework. It makes me wrinkle my brow, puts bruises on my legs, dries out my hands, and makes me unhappy.

Another Start

A new approach to the job: don't be too friendly, available, visible. Keep a low profile, speak in a low voice, keep the chatter to a minimum, leave at the first opportunity. Dress soberly in neutral, no-nonsense colors.


I am a good starter. The hard part is keeping it going. I suppose the most interesting part is the beginning, and it is the instant gratification of the endeavor. All the rest is work. Ho hum. The problem is that one cannot start forever. After a while, it gets too late to start and one needs to consider forward progress or at least maintenance, which requires metaphorical elbow grease and literal patience.

All About the Moods

Not such a great day today, Tuesday, September 8, 2009. Sometimes I feel as if I am losing all my ambition, or most of it. I have spurts of it, but it doesn't last long. I need a break. I feel as if I have made efforts; clearly it is time to make more.

I bought a table today, yeah! Something to put my computer on.

Ranting

Renée chides me for not giving Loren Meeker a MIO bag. Does Renée pay for those? Why doesn't she order them then? If they are in our budget, why is it Renée's business? Are we not trying to cut costs? I am trying to save my dept. money, and we have all made cuts. We are paying for all bicycles this production; don't we have to make adjustments somewhere? Do we not all have to bear the burden?

Volunteer Party

8/30/09 I like going to parties where I have duties; they keep me on the straight and narrow. We had a part like that today at Nostrana, a volunteer party. I took pictures and talked to people: volunteers, colleagues, and miscellaneous. I had a pretty good time, but I am aware that I am on duty. Some people are so grim, like Laura. She probably means well, but she is very serious.

Rachel is fun; Bobal is smitten; Jude is entertaining; Patty is good at her job. It turned out to be a pretty day. Minnie sang a forgettable song and then Dinah's aria from T in T. Gael sang Largo al factotum and Grenada. Babydoll stayed in the truck.

Mother gave me good advice re: the receptions. Send a note to Jada. Say we need a meeting, or tell her I want to do food. As it turns out, no more food for Jada. The English girl is taking over and has Cristine Ebersole working with her.

La vie bohème

Here is the thing: I like details to be perfect. I don't want anything out of place, and all the corners must be clean. So when I read copy that isn't clean, it annoys me. I think people should pay attention to grammatical details. I am kind of a nazi that way. Right now I feel really good. If I can sell that Mitsubishi, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Where is that post in which I discuss the dramatic tension at the opera? The one that is supposed to be the basis for the screenplay or series? What is going on so far? Clare and Chris is ongoing . . . Stevie B. is a vegetarian . . . Daryl is big and tall . . . Jennifer is ambitious, acts privileged, is fun, talks a lot . . . José is the senior now, Señor Suave . . . J-tree is pissy as usual, her bossy R Zellweger self . . . Noelle is looking very sexy with her Brigitte Bardot hair . . . Scot is a snot . . . Rae is a comfort . . .

I have to not superimpose what I hear onto the people about whom I hear them. Let Fran be Fran no matter what anybody says . . . and that goes for everyone . . .

Erik is fun, Stanley Tucci could play him. Michael could be Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did I say James yet? James would be David Spade. Omigod, how much fun could this be?!!! I'm thinking The Devil Wears Prada meets Robert Altman-type cameothon. It would take a very influential, very up-and-coming director/producer . . . Sofia Coppola

I

A Passion for Writing

Would it not be great if I wanted to write so much that it threatened my job because I took so much time doing it? It would be a lot more rewarding than play Sl & MW for 2 hours a day.

I would love to see things in a humorous way. Like when Claudie and Julia whisper after I have left the room. It's high school at Hampton Opera Center. How can I make that funny? Who would play them in a movie? Marcia Gay Harden could be Julia, and Claire Danes could be Claudie. Rachel Bilson could be Lauren. Bonnie could be a British actress. Tracy would be played by Rachel Aniston or Jenna Elfman. Chris would be played by Al pacino. Emma Thompson would be Clare. Noelle would be played by Naomi Wyatt, and an English actress whose name I can't remember would play Eliz. Liz would be Emily Blunt, and a heavier Renee Zellweger could do Jennifer. Elizabeth Peña plays Valeria and Jada Pinkett Smith is Deborah.

There is more to this somewhere. Imagine writing so much that I can't find my stuff. That is hard to imagine.

A Win

She assessed the situation and decided she could beat the other girl. She had more experience, more confidence, and more imagination.

What A Big Blunder Looks Like

Yesterday I wrote a message to a brewing co. in which I denigrated the product of our current sponsor brewer. That wasn't necessarily the bad part. The bad part was including that e-mail in the e-mail I sent to the corporate relations manager, which I did inadvertently. He, in turn, sent me a reprimand and included my boss in the e-mail. So now I suppose I am in trouble.

How to look at this? Well, I am ambitious. I don't like being in a mostly clerical position so I branch out and try to do other things, and sometimes those things backfire, like this one. If I just did my job, I would be bored and resentful, so I try to be helpful in other ways. My efforts don't always wind up being helpful. Sigh.

My reaction was to write to apologize to the crm: Sorry, Jim. You are absolutely right, and I was out of line. It won't happen again.

In analyzing what I said, I didn't really slam Widmer, I just really praised Ninkasi. I got too enthusiastic, however, for a professional setting, and I would rather Jim and Clare hadn't seen that part.

Ginny was so going to guilt Lemuel into canceling abut the extra utilities he said she owed him. He was out of line. She paid $200 more rent a month than any other renter because she had her own bathroom. She also lived in the coldest room in the house and had borrowed Jake's space heater to make her room bearable. Now not only did they expect her to suffer the cold, they also wanted her to pay extra money to do it.
This was not working. She needed to live with girls with whom she had something in common and not these loud guys with loud girlfriends. . .She could tolerate injustice, but it should not cost her money to do it.